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Just another Saturday night. I am so sad, sad and tired of the same things that I do knowing what I am doing is not right, knowing the mistakes I have made and still making them and knowing that I am not doing a damn thing about them. I guess I have accepted all of them and completely let life runs me instead of me running it. I lost every ounce of motivations that I once had in me and it was like an engine running me and giving me energy to accomplish more, to attain my goals, to challenge life. Now I am sitting in my quiet room and feel void of every feelings that I once had. I know I can't blame anything and anyone but myself. Isn't it what I have been doing all my life? blaming myself? the sad part is every night I go to bed and I promise myself to do something about it, and yet when I wake up in the morning I do the same, get dressed, have my coffee, and head outside to work, I come home play with my dog, watch the damn TV, read book and sleep, without having met my promises to myself and feel bad, feel guilty for abandoning myself and my soul, for not acting responsible towards the only person who has been devoted to me and stayed with me through rain or shine...yes..POOR ME, I have left the "Me" and I don't care about her anymore. I am tired of taking blames from the closest people to me for their behavior, even their bad driving and absent mindness..:( I am tired of me for jumping on people who care for me the most and i am tired of feeling guilty for not being able to do more for the people whom I care. I feel that everyone wants me to do more and I can't. I am angry at not being able to tell them what's going on in my life, I am tired of being tired. :( I am tired of worrying (rightfully or not) about my health. I know it's all in my head my freaking head that doesn't rest. But with all honesty I also know that I can be happy if others let me..:(( am I blaming others? I guess I am ...I want to give and see the happiness in people's face but I can't. It seems nothing gets better..:( I am so hopeless, and I can live like that, I have to have hopes, how can I live without them? I am sad for losing my ability to write, to talk passionately, to reason, to argue.........I am losing my interests in everything that once I've had so much passion for them...I used to paint, I used to write, I used to love fashion, I used to love music, I used to be funny, I used to be.........yes I used to be. What has happened to me? am I going through a depression? but I remember long ago even with the depression that once took it's toll on my life and health, I was able to dream........I can't anymore. Should I tell my doctor to send me to a shrink?..:( What's wrong with me? what has happened to me? I swear I just want to go and scream at them, ask them why? but I can't because I don't care for myself, how can I ask others to care for me? How? I once loved myself, my face, my hair, my body...but now all I see is an empty face, an empty heart and once in a while a death wish which I immediately reject...no I love life and I want to live but I know I can do better, I know I should love myself and do more for me, I have to do something. May be Yoga, may be a hard workout, may be a good day at a spa...I dont know. I dont even want to dress up like before. I used to go shopping and buying things for myself and make my self beautiful and feel good, but now..now I dont even go near any shop. I just wear what I have and if it wasn't for my job I would probably stay in bed all day..:( the only thing that brings some joy in my otherwise sad time is my little poppy. He reminds me of the feelings that I once had, he reminds me that I can still love and be happy........Ohhhhhhhhh I wished I knew what I should do....I used to know. I miss those days that I used to go to the gym right after work and feel like a million. I miss those days that rain or shine I used to go to my Yoga class, I miss my fit body..:(((( i miss my happy heart, I miss my passion for beauty..........I miss my drive to excel, I miss my happy soul...I miss them all...I have turned into a hermit, i have turned into a useless machine that only works when it is needed............I dont even like to go out, to see my friends, I make 1000 of excuses to stay home and avoid them, I only read my books and watch movies. Thank God that I still have that in me. I think they make me forget, but to forget what? myself? that's a weakness, a weakness in me that I use as an excuse to prolong this misery and feel sorry for myself ? Thank God I dont feel sorry for myself. That's the only positive point in me. May be if I felt sorry for myself I would have done something. The thing is I don't feel at all..:(((((((((( I wished I could cry, but my tears have dried. Some days I gather all my energy to drop a single tear, and .........I just can't. Another saturday night and I am thinking "Tomorrow I start caring for myself" let's see if I can keep my promised to myself.
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On Sunday, Just rest
